plasmicbaconray: (11:48:50 PM) maybe you’ve had your little kinks plasmicbaconray: (11:48:55 PM) but you’re a great, great person plasmicbaconray: (11:48:59 PM) you’re a good, a really good girl plasmicbaconray: (11:49:13 PM) the fan blew my birthday cards down and i picked up yours plasmicbaconray: (11:49:17 PM) it was the first one i noticed kaffyish: (11:51:12 PM) :) kaffyish: (11:51:16 PM) yaaaaaaaaay! hhehhe plasmicbaconray: (11:51:41 PM) you’re a really, caring, loving, compassionate girl kaffyish: (11:51:42 PM) and thanks sunny plasmicbaconray: (11:51:43 PM) you dont over-care plasmicbaconray: (11:51:46 PM) you care just right
Hahaha! I haven’t heard anything like this in a long time. Thanks Sunny. :) I love you. I’m so grateful for people like you in my life. Yes I know! I have my little kinks, we all do. We’re all human. We’re not perfect. I’m not going to try to emphasize my flaws anymore, because I will always have flaws. They’re what makes me for me! I’m glad I found myself again the past few days.
My aunt was over earlier, and like always, she praised me. “Why can’t Isabella be more like Kaffy!? Kaffy’s outgoing, responsible, mature and daring!” I’m appreciative of those words too. Sure, I can be all those - but sometimes, I can be … a little reckless, a little immature, a little scary, and sometimes I get my spazzes …..
I’m a lot of things. I’m just glad I’m me again. I love you Sunny Hoang, forever and always. <3
The hardest lesson is always learned in the hardest of ways.
And that’s what happened to me. I’ve felt every single kind of emotion this week that it was so overwhelming, there were moments where I forgot to breathe. But I got my life lesson, and I’m only grateful I got it now before it was too late. It probably already is. I think it is .. well I hope not. Does hope exist? I don’t know. But I wasn’t myself at all. Not just this week, or this month. But for the past few months. How’d I lose so myself so fast? What in the world happened? It’s okay though. I’m breathing now. Taking long breathes as much as I can, and I remind myself to.
I promised to God I will never let this happen again. I became a stronger and better person. I know right now my will won’t let this happen again. I know for a fact. Things honestly can’t get any worse than they are now, so things can only look up from here. I believe in God, and I see it in him to let things be good again. But I can’t fully rely on him. I have to rely on myself, and take responsibility for my own actions and take the blame for my own faults. I have to think of the consequences, and I have to use my brain and think before I act. I honestly do now. I’m just so, so, so grateful for being alive right now and to have all these people around me. I can’t take people for granted ever again. I learned just because people don’t always show it, it doesn’t mean they don’t care.
I realized how important it was to be myself. My true self. My true, relaxed, carefree, bubbly, happy self. I can’t let horrible past events affect the present. I can only let the lessons learned from the past better the present and future, but not let it influence my actions and thoughts in any way. Past is the past. And I will set this experience in the past as well, but not the lesson learned. I know in due time, I will move past this experience and lead a better life as my true, relaxed, carefree, bubbly, happy self. I will always keep this lesson in mind, but not the experience. I won’t have to revisit the experience in my head, I just have to remember what I learned from it - and that’s all I will need.
I prayed to God so much - for him to watch over me, especially in the next few days or weeks. I thanked him and expressed my gratitude for everything. Honestly - everything. The past two days, I rekindled with the activities I once did before I lost myself in a mix of emotions. I started drawing and calligraphy again, and I think I will return to hip hop too. Also, I definitely need to go back to the ocean. My mom told me for the first time yesterday, “do you know why we go on cruises every year? Because I knew around the ocean is when you’re most happiest and relaxed. You were born by the ocean, grew up by the ocean - so now we bring you back there every year.” And this - I appreciate so much.
Right now, I’m relaxed. I feel my old self coming back again. I hate the person I became. It wasn’t me at all. I know for a fact after this experience, I lost the “not-real” me permanently. She’s never going to come back, not as long as I can help it. I’m still hurt of course - emotionally and physically. But I trust that somewhere along the line of these bruises going away, my old self will come back for good, and I - the real me - will be here to stay.