The move wasn’t drastic. I wasn’t crying or anything, but it wasn’t easy either. It definitely took some adjustments, a lot of which I didn’t mind. However, a lot of things I had to buy again. Of course shopping is fun, but shopping for things you NEED isn’t fun on a budget. (Like who buys cleaning supplies and tupperware because it’s fun?)
Some significant things I’ve noticed was that road rules and flow of traffic is way more organized than the way they are in NYC. Driving here is so much easier - there are so many signs and the lanes are so wide!
People here are definitely nicer. I wasn’t really used to it. In NYC, we don’t acknowledge strangers. When strangers here acknowledged me, and I did not return the greeting, they kind of looked at me in a weird way. I have learned since then.
Things here are much cheaper. Before I came, I worried finances will be a problem. It is actually much more manageable, but that’s because I came with NYC expectations.
I am also working as a medical assistant here. However, I am not working for a cardiovascular surgeon anymore. I am working for an optometrist. It is a huge transition, as how I went from tons of wound care, blood, veins, and ulcers, to just working with machines and glasses.
I cannot wait to return to a school environment, meet new classmates, professors, and continue my education. Of course I will be stressed out with schoolwork, but I have to bite my tongue and do it. Once the part of nursing school is over, (and passing the NCLEX,) a big stress will finally be off my chest. I can continue on with the next milestones in life.
For now, nursing school.
Boy, am I grateful that pretty much all my nursing pre-reqs transferred from NYC. I’d hate to start all over again.
I swore to myself that I'm going to try and be more active on my tumblr,
but I’ve been procrastinating on that.
Since I’ve lost a few, although not a lot, followers due to my inactivity, I think I can be a bit more personal and expressive with my feelings on my blog now.
So here goes …
I know it doesn’t matter anymore, but I don’t understand why I can’t let it go. It’s deadass like my heart and my mind functions separately. My mind KNOWS it doesn’t matter, but my heart continues to remind me of those meaningless, stupid things. Going back to those old things makes me physically sick to my stomach. I honestly feel a little nauseous at the moment.
It’s like a guilty pleasure, only not pleasure. It’s like poison. Guilty poison? (Haha.) I keep going back to those thoughts of the fucking past, and beat myself up over something I have no control over, or he has no control over, for that matter.
It’s really not his fault. He’s shown me and given me more than enough, each and every single day. He has reassured me his feelings, without me asking, physically, verbally, and emotionally, on his own accords. He is more than anything I’ve ever dreamed of, and I never in my life thought there is a gentleman who is as compassionate as he is. What’s great is that I can honestly say he is my best friend without hesitation.
So I’ll admit it. I’m insecure. Not insecure due to anything he did, but I’m just insecure and it’s entirely my fault. I don’t know why I think this way. Maybe past experiences, maybe past relationships, or maybe the way my parents raised me to think of myself. I don’t know, but I know it’s me. I know it’s bad, but I can’t stop thinking this way no matter how hard I try. I stop thinking this way for a while, but I always relapse. There must be another resolve to this situation.
Here are your typical, whiny girl problems, and I never thought I’d have them, but I do. I never thought I’d feel this way about someone, but I do, and I will never feel like this for someone again, because he is my last.
So how do I get over these insecurities myself? Should I start drawing on fake eyebrows? Start wearing fake eyelashes? Cake on two pounds of makeup so that it doesn’t even look like me? But that’s too much work, not to mention he hates that shit.
Those crazy thoughts in the previous paragraph were a joke. I would never step out of my comfort zone like that. I just wish I can be comfortable with my insecurities and the past too. I want to let go of these negative feelings so I can stop beating myself up over it already.
"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." - Lao Zhi I have to keep that in mind.
It’s 3:30am. Maybe I should sleep. Hopefully I feel better in the morning.